Let me begin by saying I have an unscientific theory that none of us is truly over our EX until we can refer to him/her by name. For those who might not being running on all four cylinders at the present moment or perhaps the very mention of THAT person shuts you down emotionally, for the logical part of your brain still functioning, here is what I mean…
“Today I saw my EX at Starbucks…”
Those who are over his/her EX would say…
Today I saw John/Jane at Starbucks…”
It really is that simple or is it? In this age of conversations that happen via text messaging what we say and what we mean can now be hidden behind an even more intriguing and elusive veil of “crapadoodle”. So just for “shits and giggles” I decided to have some fun and try to decipher the “EX Text Code” also known as (ETC)
THE TEXT: “What’s been going on?”
BREAKING THE CODE: I’ve been trying to get over you for weeks/months/years and I’ve done it. (I think) So I’m asking you how you are doing hoping DESPERATELY you will do the same, that way I can say “GREAT!” as I feverishly type the word “GREAT” secretly hoping I believe it. In fact, I am great. I am so, so F!@$king great that I am texting you, MY EX, because I am GREAT and even my therapist says so
THE TEXT: “Hey, are you sure you still don’t have my…?”
BREAKING THE CODE: I have been trying to figure out a reason to text you so I decided to passive aggressively accuse you of not returning some of my crap that I know you never liked in the first place.
THE TEXT: “I heard about your new relationship.”
BREAKING THE CODE: I ran into your disloyal ass friend who showed me ALL your Social Media and I see you’re engaged. In truth it really doesn’t matter if I brought up your fiancé, car, skin care regime, or credit rating. What matters is that I know about your fantastic new life. I know it all !!!!!! So who is he?
THE TEXT: “I miss you.”
BREAKING THE CODE: Hey, I’m drunk! Or under the influence of a really powerful Taylor Swift song that I added to a play list I call “I am a victim”. How’s your Mom? I love your Mom. Why aren’t you answering? Call me when you see this. Okay, f!@k it. I’m going to call you until you pick up. I’m going to leave a voicemail. Crap I need my mommy I think I’m gonna cry.
THE TEXT: “Can we be friends?”
BREAKING THE CODE: I want to come back into your life somehow. Maybe I want to date one of your friends? Perhaps I was dating one of your friends when we were together… Oops! … No biggie, I plan to continue to be at the top of my game in being passive aggressive and from time to time pop my pompous, self-righteous head back up in your life. On second thought that might get really uncomfortable so instead of texts I’ll take it to Instagram. Now there is an idea! I can buy friends and followers and pretend to have a life with tens of thousands of #besties and imply I visit all kinds of cool places (#wellnessdestinations) with all but the SAME 13 people feeling compelled to like the photos I post of ME. Many of which were taken when we were still together because they are far more interesting than what I have to post now that YOU LEFT ME.
NOTE: This highly unscientific study deals strictly in the hypothetical. That being said, all names have bee removed to protect the pathetic.