So many holidays, so little time. Clearly not every special day on the calendar means the same thing to everyone and without digressing into some sort of conspiracy theory mentality, I will admit there are long list of celebrations that feel as if they were created simply to make the greeting card companies rich. That being said, Halloween continues to rock my world. I understand and respect but for some it is the opportunity to step outside their mainstream persona and become someone else but for me it’s hardly that complex it’s all about the sugar, about the candy and about how much I can eat and still have enough to give out so I’m not considered the “cheapo house” that runs out of goodies.
Halloween also holds a very special place in my childhood memories. I was a fat kid at a time when the word “fat” was not without its negative connotations, but we certainly weren’t afraid to say it. True to fact, I was “under tall”, “short for my weight”, “chubby”, “chunky”, “husky” and my favorite “big boned” but at Halloween I didn’t flinch.
Halloween was the opportunity to unapologetically embrace my gluttony and pay the well-deserved homage to the many, many, many sweet treats that made the holiday one of my favorites and showed me unconditional love.
To that end and with no disrespect and no hidden agenda for all you “Skinnies” out there who deprived yourselves of your Halloween sugar fix. I still love you, I pass no judgment and in truth I thank you for sharing your uneaten stash, allowing me to fully embrace my Halloween sugar coma.
In truth, this was not an easy list to compile and so for the record make no mistake that I harbor no hateful feelings towards any candy. Still, making appropriate and responsible decisions regarding Halloween goodies is a topic that I must address as not all candy is created equal and equally important, not all candy was meant to be given out at Halloween
Unless, of course, your childhood Halloweens were bitter disappointments and you want to take it out on the next generation.
A reminder: You are grown up now, you have responsibilities and insight use them wisely…
- Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw-destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in a way that road kill resembles filet mignon.
- Necco Wafers
Necco Wafers were first made in 1847, and I question if the company is still trying to sell original batch. Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate unless of course they were made from slaughtered bald eagles, baseball players and apple pies.
- Smarties
Combining artificial fruit flavors with the taste and texture of the “shake” they give you for an Upper GI scan. Smarties are what people buy when they want to give out candy but don’t want to go over budget of seven cents and a handful of bellybutton lint.
- Dubble Bubble Gum
Gum on Halloween is already risky, as every minute spent chewing is a minute not spent shoveling candy into your mouth.
Note. It’s more pleasant to chew the wrapper.
- Chocolate Coins Chocolate and foil wrapping turns an otherwise delicious food into an epic disaster. I simply can’t say anymore.
5. Jawbreakers
Jawbreakers suffer from the same defect as gum—they take forever to eat. As kids we didn’t take a name like Jawbreaker as a warning, it as a challenge. Providing candy that encourages children to injure themselves is only a good idea if you plan on giving it away from an unmarked van.
- Good & Plenty
Every child has fallen for the twisted trap that is Good & Plenty. They look as if they have potential until scooped up in mass and placed into your mouth to find out, chomp down, and Whap! Black licorice.
NOTE: Black licorice is candy in the sense that someone who commits a stabbing in a hospital is a surgeon.
- Candy Jewelry
Specialty candy is rarely a good idea. These choices fall into two dreadful categories…“tastes like chalk” and “sticky, disgusting mess”. To make matters worse, what is a boy to do? Mocked by his friends for wearing them.
- Whatever Those Orange and Black Things Are Called
These rock-hard candies taste like a mixture of molasses and child abuse. Their manufacturer is so ashamed of them that nobody is even sure what they’re called, and rumor has it they’re only made in the dead of night in a hidden factory operated by the souls of the damned. Every adult who gives them out on Halloween turns into a bat and vanishes the next day. The moment a kid eats one is the moment their childhood ends.
- Anything That Isn’t Candy
Apples, toothbrushes, pennies, the condoms that one creepy guy gave out… nothing is worse than getting something other than candy on candy day. The worst non-candy item of all is pencils. Anyone who hands out a school supply is saying, “Hey, kid, you know this magical day where you dress up in a cool costume, stay up late with your friends and get free candy from all sorts of nice people? It’s about to end and you’re going back to school tomorrow. Screw you.”
Fun Halloween Fact: Anyone who gives out toothpaste on Halloween is dead inside.