In the not so distant future our off springs will ponder the question, “what was our obsession with bacon?” Unfortunately, there is a high probability that we won’t be able to offer them a suitable answer as we will all be dead from eating the following culinary atrocities.
Now before the Bacon Brigade sets out to find me and flog me with bacon? I am not a hater, but rather a believer in what I see as a nearly spiritual truth. Bacon in its purest form is foodie nirvana and a such should be revered not made revolting.
- Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies
Meat isn’t dessert; it’s what you eat before dessert. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is still being sent to bed early for demanding cookies before finishing their vegetables.
- Bacon Sundae
NO! While both Denny’s and Burger King gave it a try it simply was a bad idea that somehow made it from the Board Room to the menu. I believe they saw the light and removed it as an offering but for those long scary months it was real and it was hideous.
- Bacon Vodka
Obese alcoholics, your time has come. At long last, you can combine your two passions with bacon vodka the only vodka even Russians would think twice about drinking.
- Bacon Soda
Trying to follow this logic. After far too many bacon vodka hangovers you decide to make a “healthy change” and you take drastic steps to treat you body as a temple with… BACON SODA?!?!?!?!? Now non-drinkers and children alike can enjoy the taste of liquid bacon. JUST SAY NO KIDS.
This is what happens when breakfast goes villainous. If your morning meal was contaminated by Chernobyl this is what it would morph into.
Inside the cone of bacon (which, incidentally, sounds like a spell an obese wizard from Harry Potter would cast,) is cheese, hash browns and scrambled eggs. On top is a biscuit, usually smothered in gravy for that extra dose of heart attack. Bacon should be eaten with your fingers or a fork not in a cone birthed from the ovens of Hell.
- Bacon Weave Apple Pie
There’s nothing more American than apple pie and obesity, or so the logic behind this idea seems to support. Presumably after eating this you can go outside and toss around a baseball coated in grease, and then watch a fat bald eagle have a heart attack. God bless America!
- Chocolate Covered Bacon
Chocolate covered bacon is the herpes of bacon recipes—each one is a little different, but all of them are unpleasant and make my skin crawl.
There are even options! You can coat the whole piece of bacon in chocolate, dip the bacon, wrap raw bacon around a cube of chocolate and cook it to get a gooey middle, get fancy and drizzle melted chocolate over the bacon, and yes my lovelies if that is all too much exercise you can even buy bacon chocolate bars.
- Fool’s Gold Loaf
This was one of Elvis’ favorite foods, and if you know anything about the King’s dinner habits, your arteries are getting concerned. It’s made with an entire loaf of hollowed out bread that is filled with a jar of peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly and a pound of bacon. Served with Dom Perpignan (something we all just have lying around the pantry) for that extra touch of class.
Imagine your childhood PB&Js came back as Chucky or Freddy Kruger and you have a Fool’s Gold Loaf.
- Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger
The Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburger was invented by carnies after they realized it would be easier to kill their customers and rob them than to wait for them to waste all their money on rigged games and poorly-maintained rides. It is to eating what being chased by a machete-wielding maniac is to exercise—it technically gets the job done, but in the end it’s going to kill you.
- Bacon Explosion
This is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is what will lead to the decline of Western civilization. Behold the bacon explosion and collectively let us hold our head in shame.
Before we go any further LOOK AT IT! Can we all at least agree that yes it does more than resemble a call of nature? What you are actually looking at before it burns out your retinas is bacon wrapped in sausage, wrapped in bacon smothered in BBQ sauce. Yes, it is normal to have heart palpations just from reading that. In fact, I am told some Nutritionists look at it and turn to ash. The first bite tastes like a pig farm, the second bite tastes like buying the farm.
The bacon explosion comes in original, jalapeño, cheese, and is kept moist from the tears of the malnourished. Oh but the joy does not stop here. For an extra $15 you can also get a “pig porter,” a special contraption/carrying sleeve for your bacon explosion, because I don’t know of a faster way to alert the alien population that traverse the cosmos that they are welcome to show up and destroy us.
NOTE: It became clear that some bacon was in fact tortured in researching this post and I deeply apologize to bacon everywhere as some of us still respect you for your proud heritage.
Thank you to Mark Hill for his help